Motivation Though Self-Compassion – Removing ‘I Should Be’ From Our Self-Talk

Imagine this: after a particularly stressful month, you reach out to a friend for support. You tell them you've been feeling down and can't keep up with the household chores. The mess is piling up, and you're embarrassed to have anyone over. Your friend has two ways they could respond:

In the first scenario, they say, “It’s not normal to struggle with basic cleaning. You need to deal with the mess right away". In the second scenario, they say, “Everyone struggles with keeping their home clean at times, especially when life gets overwhelming. Would it help if you started tackling the mess today?”

How do you think you’d feel after hearing each of these responses?

The Impact of Self-Talk: Compassion vs. Criticism

The way we talk to ourselves can have just as much of an effect on our mood and behavior as how others speak to us. In the first scenario, your friend’s words are driven by criticism, which might leave you feeling ashamed or demoralized. On the other hand, the second response comes with empathy and care, offering support that’s far more likely to motivate you.

Research supports the idea that self-compassion leads to greater success, while self-criticism can actually hold us back. Let’s dive into why that is.

The Downside of Self-Criticism

When we think in terms of “I should” or “I must,” we’re often setting ourselves up for failure. These thoughts aren’t just unrealistic; they can be downright harmful. Maybe you feel pressure to be perfect—either because of your own high standards or because of the (sometimes distorted) image of how others are doing. This can lead to negative self-talk, which leaves you feeling inferior and incapable.

But here's the catch: Research shows that self-criticism doesn’t lead to positive change. In fact, the more people criticize themselves, the slower their progress and the less likely they are to achieve their goals. Why? Because the brain enters a state of self-deprecation, shutting down our ability to take action. When we feel bad about ourselves, we’re far less likely to move forward.

A Key Question: Which Approach Is More Effective?

Returning to our original scenario: who is more likely to tackle the messy home? The person motivated by shame, who feels like they’re failing? Or the person who acknowledges that everyone has setbacks and is encouraged by a desire for well-being?

And, when both eventually get around to cleaning, who do you think will feel better throughout the process—the one fueled by guilt or the one motivated by self-compassion?

How to Cultivate Self-Compassion

The good news is that shifting from self-criticism to self-compassion is possible, though it takes some effort. Here are a few steps to help you quiet your inner critic and replace it with a kinder, more motivating voice:

1. Notice the Inner Critic: The first step is awareness. Pay attention to when the inner critic speaks up—what triggers it? How does it affect your mood? Just noticing how often this critical voice shows up is an important first step in reclaiming your mental space.

2. Get Curious About the Voice: Next, ask yourself: Is this really my voice? Sometimes, our inner critic is just an echo of someone else’s voice—like a parent or caregiver. Understanding where this voice comes from can help you separate it from your true, authentic self.

3. Challenge the Critic: Think about how you’d respond to a friend in a similar situation. What would you say to them? Chances are, you wouldn’t be as harsh as you are on yourself. This can help you reframe your thoughts and replace judgment with empathy.

4. Ask Yourself, “Would I Feel Better If...?”: Instead of demanding that you should do something, ask yourself how you might feel better. Would taking a walk clear your head? Would starting that project help you feel a sense of accomplishment? When we treat ourselves with kindness, the actions that help us feel better are often the same ones that lead to success.

Embracing Both Productivity and Rest

Remember, motivation ebbs and flows. Some days will be more productive, and others will be about rest and recovery. And that's okay. It’s important to give yourself permission to take breaks and appreciate downtime. Your value isn’t defined by how much you do; it’s about how you treat yourself and others with kindness.

For Further Reading:

https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Self-Criticism.pdf

https://self-compassion.org/